There are many many interesting things
From open roads to butterfly wings
Whiteboards are cool and clouds are too
Heck I could even make a stew
But why is it that with all these things
I can’t think of anything to write
I considered why I’m excited for spring
Even why I love to swing
I thought about what comes on the news at night
Maybe a story about flying a kite
Someone mentioned balloons and the merits they bring
But simply nothing seemed to ring
I pondered a lot trying to think of something good
But my head appeared to be simply made of wood
If I wrote some nice words I’d be happy to show’em
Instead I ended up writing this poem
So here I am typing away
Writing about how I have nothing to say
Thanks for reading, I'll talk to you later
Now go read the rest of the articles in this newspaper.
by Mikai Tilton
It’s October, and the season for scary movies and Jack o'Lanterns has finally arrived! Here are the some of the best horror movies you should be binging this Halloween.
by Ari Dor
Whether you heard it at school or saw it on Reddit, new memes are always in your life somehow. They’re either deadly, hilarious, or just a detriment to the universe. As a kid, I love them, but as an adult, reading this article may be a bad idea.
The quote from the 1939 Terry Toons “The Three Bears” Cartoon that made it onto YouTube and Reddit recently is 100% dead, but remixes and text-and-picture memes are still being posted because of the sheer hilariousness that comes out of this meme. In the meme, the dad bear of the family realized that somebody was in their house and the person in that house had ‘toucha his spaghet’.
In VRchat, a program for users of Virtual Reality headsets, Ugandans are role-playing as Knuckles and asking if people know the way, but the meme came from the pronunciation. It sounded something like this: “do you know de wae”.
As a continuation to Ugandan Knuckles, Skadoo Skadae is a couple of images made in MS Paint along with the Ugandan Knuckles meme.
SpaceX memes are simple text-and-picture memes, mostly tweets. It’s all about how the Falcon Heavy Rocket looks like a certain male organ.
Curb Your Meme
Curb Your Meme is a play on Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In Curb Your Meme, the theme music is played over a zooming-in video clip of someone who can’t explain something.
At the 90th Academy Awards, Jennifer Garner was applauding when a sudden realization hit her. We still don’t know what it is, but people are making predictions all over the place.
by Watershed Staff
“When Joe chews gum and eats food ‘into’ the microphone on Discord.” - Andy K.
“When parents introduce their small children’s ages using months instead of years.”
“When people excessively anthropomorphize their pets.” - Gus M.
“When people confuse turtles and tortoises.” - Kate H.
“How often Devin says ‘However.'”
“When people use the word ‘triggered.’” - Everyone
People who have an excessive number of pet peeves.”
People who ‘humble-brag’ about their exercise” - Nina
“Ketchup.” - Nina
“Picky eaters in foreign countries.”
“People who excessively over-pronounce words that aren’t English, like ‘taco’ or ‘croissant’.”
“When Frank sits cross-legged on a stool.” - Gabe C.
“Absurd terms used at Watershed… it’s a cafeteria, not a cafe; it’s a break, not fresh air; it’s an assembly, not a community meeting, etc.”
“When people come back from a brief international vacation and change their entire accent.”
Chances are, If you’re familiar with the word satire, then you’ve heard of the Onion.
However, if you need a refresher on both of those terms, satire, according to Google, means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” The Onion, then, is a satirical newspaper that “covers” today’s pressing issues.
Therefore, considering that all of the news the Onion covers isn’t real, it’s quite shocking that some of the Onion’s stories have come true.
Below is a list of Onion articles that have come true over the years.
1.) Onion Headline: "Miley Cyrus will be drained of entertainment value by 2013.” (2008)
We all remember 2013 vividly. How much this has to do with Ms. Cyrus’ infamous VMA performance is up to you. While Miley certainly went through quite a transformation that year, it’s pretty impressive that Onion was able to nail the year.
2.) Onion Headline: “Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope's Tolerant Remarks.” (2013)
With the ascension of Pope Francis in 2013, the Vatican has become a slightly more liberal place. However, the lengths at which the rest of the church would go to shut down these remarks was hard to foresee. But not, apparently, for the Onion.
3.) Onion Headline: The 1% speak out against Inequality. (1996)
Since the mid-1990’s, the social consciousness of the nation’s top-earners has grown tremendously. In recent years, Mark Zuckerberg has pledged to give away 99% of his facebook shares, and Jeff Bezos has donated $40 billion to help DACA children with college tuition. Yet, this quote from more than 20 years ago perfectly sums up what would come out of a billionaire’s mouth today: ““As the nation’s ultra-elite overclass, we billionaires have for years enjoyed nearly unlimited economic privileges,we are here today to stand up and finally say, ‘Enough!’”
5.) Onion Headline: Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible (2000)
Sure, the Onion predicted the exact year Miley Cyrus would go a bit off the rails, but I think prophesying a dependence on the internet years before the first smartphone was invented is downright spooky. The last line in particular stays with you: “'Why don't we just look the word up in our old-fashioned dictionary?'" Wisniewski said. "The answer, of course, is simple: because we don't have to."
by Megan Bach
How do I get a chick’s number without being cliche and weird?"
Oh, honey. This is actually quite a simple one. Back in the day, we just simply walked up to the little cutie-patootie and asked. But, in this day and age we need to use the technologies that we have been blessed with. My nerd of a nephew opens his contact book app on his phone and sets it up to make a new contact. He starts with making some simple friendly conversation, not flirty or nothin’. He’s just trying to make a friend,’cuz the best relationships start as friendships. Then he simply asks the lady(or dude, he’s a bit of a liberal in that way) if they had the time to fill out a survey, then hands them the open app. It usually makes the person laugh, and then they are more willing to cough up their number cuz you've been friendly and humorous. Everyone will tell you a different method, but I’ve seen this one work the most.
by Zak Sexton
Move over, plush animals, heart shaped candy, flowers, cliche poems, nice chocolates and last minute generic Hallmark™ gift cards!
It’s 2018, and you know what that means: All gifts should be able to be given and received by anyone, regardless of their sex, gender, race, ethnicity and sexuality. This year, we have found an increase of sales in cheese shredders. Yes, this object may seem rather obscure and hard to clean, but both Buzzfeed and CNN News have reportedly found an increase in investments for cheese shredders.
Shannon Genericmom, a mother of two and an investor in the Cheese Shredder 200™, told the Watermark, “This year is the year for change. These cheese shredders are one of a kind. Something to tell your loved one you care about them. These shredders truly show the amount of care and passion you have for your significant other. The amount of maintenance to clean the cheese shredder will remind them of how much maintenance they themselves require. They can be used multiple times and each time your significant other uses it, they will think of you.”
So this year, don’t get the boring cliche merchandise from the store aisle. Instead, purchase a cheese shredder to truly show your love for your significant other, friends, coworkers and family. It’s pure fun for all ages!
Note: This article is purely for comedic purposes. As far as the author is aware, the Cheese Shredder 200™ does not actually exist, nor is it likely to be the best gift for your loved ones.
by the Watermark Staff
So, we all know that "Roses are red, / violets are blue, / sugar is sweet, / and so are you." I mean, roses aren't all red, and violets aren't blue... they're violet. It really isn't that complicated given the name, so I don't really get what that's all about. You wouldn't say Oranges are yellow, would you? But, I digress. Read on to hear some of the Valentine's Day poetry written by the Wordsworths and Shakespeares of Watershed.
Roses are red,
Have a brilliant Roses are red spin-off just waiting to be shared? Drop it in the comments!
by the Watermark Staff
Are you an electron? Because I'm positively attracted to you."
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?"
Girl, are you a USB port? 'Cause I want to connect with you."
Are you WiFi? Because I'm feeling a good connection."
by Lola Hemmat
All throughout David Bowie’s career, he has mentioned space. He did this in songs like Space Oddity, Starman, and Life On Mars… the list goes on. Supposedly, these songs are based on a persona of Bowie’s named Major Tom. Yes, this does explain the space related songs, but there are many other coincidences, such as his band being named Spiders From Mars that lead me to think that he is singing from experience.
What I am trying to get at is that David Bowie was too otherworldly just to have been human. What else could explain why the world went to crap after he died? January 10, 2016, Bowie died, January 14th 2016, Alan Rickman died, April 21, 2016 Prince died, November 9th, 2016 Trump was elected, and last but not least, the year David Bowie died was the height of popularity for the dab. Does this mean that David was holding the fabric of the universe together? I think... yes.
My final tidbit of conspiracy, is that David Bowie is eventually going to come back to life. In Bowie’s last album Blackstar, there is an especially depressing and erie tone to it, and one of the songs is titled Lazarus. If you don’t already know, Lazarus is a character in a story from the Bible who was brought back to life by Jesus four days after his death. I don’t think it’s merely a coincidence that Bowie died two days after he released a song with the title Lazarus.
If David Bowie really was an alien, then he might have known that his time was coming, hence the song Lazarus. And, whatever species of alien Bowie may have been, he could have multiple lives, such as timelords.
All of this is some random conjecture from a fan, but wouldn’t it be better if Bowie was an alien? If he was, and all of what I just said is true, that means that someday (hopefully soon) he will return and the universe will be restored to a Trumpless, dabless, place with amazing music.